In a showdown between a balding Super Bowl MVP and a completely bald Super Bowl loser, the balder of the two came up big. In the biggest upset in NFL playoff history, Seahawks’ quarterback Matt Hasselbeck three for 272 yards and four touchdowns. His counterpart, the rapidly thinning Drew Brees threw for 402 yards, but couldn’t score when it mattered most.
Hasselbeck had been maligned for much of the season, nearly losing his job to the well-quaffed Charlie Whitehurst. But despite his ailing back/hip/butt, he got the start, put the team on his back, and carried them to the next round of the playoffs. It’s nice to see the really bald guy come out on top for a change. Drew Brees, you’ll be there soon enough.
It wasn’t a great fantasy football season for those who played teams filled with bald players. While bald kickers dominated, with three of the top five sporting extreme baldness, the rest of the positions did poorly.
Aside from Matt Schaub, no bald player cracked the top 10 for their position at WR, RB, TE. Injuries to Matt Hasselbeck and Vince Young didn’t help things, but primarily it was the fact that bald players tend to be older, and their skills are in decline. Still, if bald pride forced you to play an all-bald roster, you may not have won your league, but at least you kept it real.
For 2011… Who knows where Vince Young, Donovan McNabb will end up, but if any of them land on solid rosters in need of a quarterback (Vikings, Raiders, San Francisco, etc.) they might put up some respectable numbers. And with Wes Welker still recovering from knee surgery, he might be back to his old form next year, and considerably balder. So 2010 may not have been the best year for bald fantasy football, but next year promises to be better, especially if Drew Brees continues to thin on top.
2010, a recap:
- (9th) Matt Schaub – Texans – 300 pts.
- (21st) Donovan McNabb – Redskins – 165 pts.
- (26th) Matt Hasselbeck – Seahawks – 138 pts.
- (33rd) Vince Young – Titans – 81 pts.
- (26th) Michael Bush – Raiders – 124 pts.
- (27th) Felix Jones – Cowboys – 123 pts.
- (38th) Ricky Williams – Dolphins – 85 pts.
- (18th) Marques Colston – Saints – 138 pts.
- (23rd) Wes Welker – Patriots – 121 pts.
- (24th) Derrick Mason – Ravens – 117 pts.
- (37th) Chad Ochocinco – Bengals – 100 pts.
- (42nd) Hines Ward – Steelers – 87 pts.
- (31st) Daniel Fells – Rams – 43 pts.
- (34th) Jermichael Finley – Packers – 37 pts.
- (1st) Sebastian Janikowski – Raiders – 150 pts.
- (4th) Matt Bryant – Falcons – 135 pts.
- (5th) Josh Brown – Rams – 132 pts.
If you’re like me, you’re bald and you play fantasy football.
Baldness and fantasy football go together like Chad Ochocinco and Terrel Owens. Now is the time to combine those two worlds and create an All-Bald Fantasy Football Team. With a little research, and in a deep enough league, you can craft a winner using nothing but bald players.
- Matt Hasselbeck / Seahawks: The baldest player in the league, Hasselbeck is a former all-pro QB who’s been on some real bad Seahawks teams of late. He’s only averaging 10 points per game, but look for him to heat up as he starts to master a new offense.
- Bruce Gradkowski / Raiders: He’s taken over for Jason Campbell, but his hold on the position could be tenuous, especially because he’s injury prone.
- Drew Brees / Saints: He’s one of the top scoring QBs, but it may be another season or two before we can claim him as bald. Every time he removes his helmet, he quickly adjusts his combover, but he doesn’t count as bald just yet.
- Matt Schaub / Texans: He’ll be a top bald QB in a few short years as well.
- Felix Jones / Cowboys: Jones is gloriously bald, unfortunately he’s sharing the workload with Marion Barber who has so much hair his dreads make it hard for him to wear a helmet. But with Jones’ speed, he always has the potential to break a tackle and churn out a long gain.
- Rick Williams / Dolphins: The years he took off to smoke pot kept him from enduring the wear and tear of other backs his age, but it also allowed him the time to lose his hair. He splits carries and has fumbled a lot lately, but he’s still a good addition to any all-bald team.
- Chester Taylor / Bears: He doesn’t get a lot of runs, but he’s always good a for a few fantasy points and is a receiving threat out of the backfield. Depending on the match up, he’s worth putting at the flex position.
- Brandon Jacobs / Giants: When he threw his helmet into the stands against the Colts in week 1, his hairloss was on display for all the world to see. He’s losing a lot of carries to Ahmad Bradshaw, but he’s worth starting.
- Kevin Faulk / Patriots: On injured reserve for the rest of the season.
- Leon Washington: Considered done after suffering a horrendous knee injury last year, he’s quickly resurrecting his career with the Seahawks. They’re easing him back in, but look for his stats to increase in the weeks to come.
- Roy Williams / Cowboys: Left for fantasy dead years ago, Williams has exploded lately, possibly because opposing defenses are focusing on Dallas’ other receives. Ride him while he’s hot and before he starts dropping passes again.
- Donald Driver / Packers: This guy is ageless and still puts up points.
- Hines Ward / Steelers: Even with the Steelers’ quarterback issues, Ward is still a guy who catches clutch passes and puts up good stats.
- Steve Smith / Panthers: It’s no fun catching passes from Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen, but this guy is an electric playmaker.
- Chad Ochocinco / Benglas: Defenses can’t key on him now that there are other weapons at wide receiver.
- Wes Welker / Patriots: He’s still recovering from a nasty knee injury, but if gets healthy, and his hairloss progresses, he could become an all-bald fantasy star.
- Miles Austin / Cowboys: Kim Kardashian may have dumped him, but you’d be smart to snatch him up for your fantasy team. Austin put up huge numbers last year. Is he bald though? Some pictures make it seem like it and other don’t.
- Sebastian Janikowski / Raiders: He’s your guy.
- Seattle Seahawks: As long as Leon Washington keeps running back multiple kickoffs for touchdowns, you might as well go with the Hawks.
There are some stark contrasts between veteran Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and the newly acquired Charlie Whitehurst: Primarily hair.
Whitehurst didn’t come cheap ($5 million per year). The Seahawks also swapped 2nd round picks with the Chargers (40th for 60th overall), and gave up next year’s third round pick for the former Clemson star.
Whitehurst is a big question mark. He has yet to play in a regular season game, but has shown promise during his preseason outings. He was certainly a star at Clemson and it warranted him a 3rd round pick by the Chargers in the 2006 draft. The Hawks must think he’s the heir-apparent for Hasselbeck and better than anyone they’ll get in this year’s draft.
Whitehurst, and his flowing mane, will eventually end the Seahawks recent string of bald quarterbacks (Trent Dilfer/Hassselbeck). It also erases the possibility of drafting Jimmy Clausen, a prospect whose own hairline is in steady retreat. Let’s hope the rookie hazing includes a buzz cut for Whitehurst. That hair may work on the beach in San Diego, but I don’t want to hear moronic commentators using his long hair to frequently reference Seattle’s grunge history.