Jeff Feagles, NFL’s Oldest Player, To Retire.

New York Giant punter Jeff Feagles is expected to announce his retirement Friday, ending a lengthy NFL career.

In addition to being the oldest player in the NFL, Feagles may also be the most durable. The bald punter never missed a game during a 22-year career.

While playing for the Patriots, Eagles, Cardinals, Seahawks, and Giants, Feagles amassed over 40 miles in punting yardage.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s Anti-Combover Crusade

ESPN’s Tim Hasselbeck, husband of The View’s Elisabeth Hasselbeck, explained the demise of his combover last week during an appearance on The Brock & Salk Show on ESPN 710 Seattle.

Just like his older brother Matt, Tim Hasselbeck used to play quarterback in the National Football League, proving athletic ability is just as much a genetic trait as baldness–although Matt is the balder of the two and the better quarterback.

But unlike his brother Matt, who quickly began shaving his head when the hair started falling, Tim insisted on clinging to the sad remnants of his former mane. Eventually, the combover became too much for his wife. Tim explained it Elisabeth who confronted him about his combover and explained, “Honey, you need to quit it before it fires you.”

Sage advice, and one that even Whoopi Goldberg probably agrees with.

Trent Dilfer vs. Tim Hasselbeck

ESPN’s NFL Live took a break from football news today when analysts Trent Dilfer and Tim Hasselbeck began debating who had more hair. Both claimed the thicker mane, but Hasselbeck claimed the only thing Dilfer had more of was back hair.

Hank & Skank Off to Indy

Rapidly balding Hank Baskett has signed with the Indianapolis Colts after being dumped by the Philadelphia Eagles (related article).

The 3rd rate wide receiver is better known for his wife, Playboy centerfold and reality “star,” Kendra Wilkinson. A big distraction for any NFL team, it says something that the Eagles cut Hank to make room for convicted dog fighter Michael Vick.

Matt Hasselbeck Defeats Tom Brady

According to a recent Wall Street Journal article, Professional football player  Matt Hasselbeck, is the 4th most attractive quarterback in the National Football League. The bald Seattle Seahawk beat out Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo. Because he’s way hotter.

What is it that gives Matt “heartthrob” Hasselbeck the advantage? Facial symatry, apparently. That may not be the chief criteria of pop singers and Brazilian super models, but it’s of primary concern for researchers at Ursinus College. It may sound far fetched, but on behalf of bald men everywhere, I say “We’ll take it.”

Derrick Mason Returns!

Claiming he has “burning desire” to compete, Derrick Mason returned to the Baltimore Ravens only weeks after announcing his retirement. The Ravens leading receiver last season, Mason called it quits immediately after the murder of his close friend and former Raven Steve McNair.

The Ravens are ecstatic to have their leading receiver back, but his return is also a boon to all of us who stack our fantasy football roster exclusively with bald players. His stats will come in handy this year, as will a return of a healthy Matt Hasselbeck and hopefully a rejuvenated Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson.

Terry Bradshaw’s Marriage #2

On June 6, 1976, Terry Bradshaw married figure skater Jo Jo Starbuck, 1976.

The legendary Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback loved marriage so much he went on to marry two more times. Or, perhaps it was the lonesome heart he sang about in this YouTube clip that drove Bradshaw to seek love so many times.

A legendary quarterback, he was so, so, SO, bald… and endearing.

May 15th Birthday Baldness

If you are bald and May 15th is your birthday then you are in good company…

Counterculture icon and activist clown Wavy Gravy was born May 15, 1936. The bald clown has so much hippie cred that Ben & Jerry named an ice cream after him.

Boston Red Sox pitcher John Smoltz, born May 15, 1967.

Before Emmitt Smith scrapped his integrity for Dancing with the Stars, he was one of the greatest running backs of all-time. Before that, he was born on May 15, 1969.

Ahmet Zappa: Singer/actor/Game show host/ son of Frank Zappa/and ex-husband of Selma Blair, born May 15, 1974.

Chuck Knox: A Man of Letters

Football coach Chuck Knox was born April 27, 1932. The son of an immigrant steel worker, Knox grew up in a tough town and brought his blue collar attitude to the NFL

Knox usually kept his combover hidden under his baseball cap, but he wore everything else on his sleave. Tough, principled, and intimidating, Knox was beloved by fans and respected by players. He’s the only coach to be included in the Seattle Seahawks’ Ring of Honor.

His biography, Hard Knox, was the single most inspiring book I read while I was in 7th grade. I did a book report on it. It was gritty, full of wisdom and rules to live by, but most of all it gave me an insight into a man I admired greatly. It also discussed his thoughts on O.J. Simpson (before the murder).

Should Knox be included in the pantheon of the greatest bald writers? Shakespeare, Nabakov, Rushdie… Knox?

Probably not. Knox is way tougher than all of them.

February 24th in Bald History

Born on February 24, 1970, NFL quarterback Jeff Garcia doesn’t let baldness hold him back. Undersized for a quarterback, Garcia originally took his game to the Canadian Football League, winning a Gray Cup. He entered the National Football League in 1999 and has bounced around ever since.

The four-time Pro Bowler is currently languishing in free agency after being cut by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. That means he’s just hanging out around the house with his wife, who happens to be Carmella DeCesare, Playboy Magazine’s 2004 Playmate of the Year.

American Actor Abe Vigoda, who appeared in The Godfather, born February 24. 1921.

Italian-American actor Dominic Chianese, who appeared in The Sopranos, born February 23. 1931.

Unabashedly bald American actor Billy Zane (and Kelly Brock’s ex-boyfriend) was born February 23, 1966.

American painter Winslow Homer, born February 23. 1836.