Category Archives: NFL

Matt Hasselbeck Still Has It

In a showdown between a balding Super Bowl MVP and a completely bald Super Bowl loser, the balder of the two came up big. In the biggest upset in NFL playoff history, Seahawks’ quarterback Matt Hasselbeck three for 272 yards and four touchdowns. His counterpart, the rapidly thinning Drew Brees threw for 402 yards, but couldn’t score when it mattered most.

Hasselbeck had been maligned for much of the season, nearly losing his job to the well-quaffed Charlie Whitehurst. But despite his ailing back/hip/butt, he got the start, put the team on his back, and carried them to the next round of the playoffs. It’s nice to see the really bald guy come out on top for a change. Drew Brees, you’ll be there soon enough.

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John Abraham’s New Bald ‘Do

There simply aren’t many hair options for bald men, but Atlanta Falcons defensive end John Abraham added a new one, and included a tribute to his mother. Could this create a new fad amongst bald people? Turn what’s left into a billboard and use your remaining mane to send messages. This could be a lucrative source of advertising revenue for bald athletes.

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All-Bald Fantasy Football Team

If you’re like me, you’re bald and you play fantasy football.

Baldness and fantasy football go together like Chad Ochocinco and Terrel Owens. Now is the time to combine those two worlds and create an All-Bald Fantasy Football Team. With a little research, and in a deep enough league, you can craft a winner using nothing but bald players.

Quarterbacks:

  1. Matt Hasselbeck / Seahawks:  The baldest player in the league, Hasselbeck is a former all-pro QB who’s been on some real bad Seahawks teams of late. He’s only averaging 10 points per game, but look for him to heat up as he starts to master a new offense.
  2. Bruce Gradkowski / Raiders:  He’s taken over for Jason Campbell, but his hold on the position could be tenuous, especially because he’s injury prone.
  3. Drew Brees / Saints:  He’s one of the top scoring QBs, but it may be another season or two before we can claim him as bald. Every time he removes his helmet, he quickly adjusts his combover, but he doesn’t count as bald just yet.
  4. Matt Schaub / Texans: He’ll be a top bald QB in a few short years as well.

Running Backs:

  1. Felix Jones / Cowboys: Jones is gloriously bald, unfortunately he’s sharing the workload with Marion Barber who has so much hair his dreads make it hard for him to wear a helmet. But with Jones’ speed, he always has the potential to break a tackle and churn out a long gain.
  2. Rick Williams / Dolphins: The years he took off to smoke pot kept him from enduring the wear and tear of other backs his age, but it also allowed him the time to lose his hair. He splits carries and has fumbled a lot lately, but he’s still a good addition to any all-bald team.
  3. Chester Taylor / Bears:  He doesn’t get a lot of runs, but he’s always good a for a few fantasy points and is a receiving threat out of the backfield. Depending on the match up, he’s worth putting at the flex position.
  4. Brandon Jacobs / Giants: When he threw his helmet into the stands against the Colts in week 1, his hairloss was on display for all the world to see. He’s losing a lot of carries to Ahmad Bradshaw, but he’s worth starting.
  5. Kevin Faulk / Patriots:  On injured reserve for the rest of the season.
  6. Leon Washington:  Considered done after suffering a horrendous knee injury last year, he’s quickly resurrecting his career with the Seahawks. They’re easing him back in, but look for his stats to increase in the weeks to come.

Wide Receivers

  1. Roy Williams / Cowboys: Left for fantasy dead years ago, Williams has exploded lately, possibly because opposing defenses are focusing on Dallas’ other receives. Ride him while he’s hot and before he starts dropping passes again.
  2. Donald Driver / Packers: This guy is ageless and still puts up points.
  3. Hines Ward / Steelers:  Even with the Steelers’ quarterback issues, Ward is still a guy who catches clutch passes and puts up good stats.
  4. Steve Smith / Panthers:  It’s no fun catching passes from Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen, but this guy is an electric playmaker.
  5. Chad Ochocinco / Benglas:  Defenses can’t key on him now that there are other weapons at wide receiver.
  6. Wes Welker / Patriots:  He’s still recovering from a nasty knee injury, but if gets healthy, and his hairloss progresses, he could become an all-bald fantasy star.
  7. Miles Austin / Cowboys:  Kim Kardashian may have dumped him, but you’d be smart to snatch him up for your fantasy team. Austin put up huge numbers last year. Is he bald though? Some pictures make it seem like it and other don’t.

Kickers

  1. Sebastian Janikowski / Raiders:  He’s your guy.

Defense/Special Teams

  1. Seattle Seahawks:  As long as Leon Washington keeps running back multiple kickoffs for touchdowns, you might as well go with the Hawks.

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6/7 2010 NFL Hall of Fame Inductees Are Bald

The NFL inducted seven members into the Hall of Fame today. If it weren’t for Dick LeBeau, the oldest of the the entire class, they all would have been bald.

This legendary class of bald NFL greats included:  Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith, Floyd Little, Rickey Jackson, John Randle, and Russ Grimm. It’s a pantheon of bald greats.

Jerry Rice:  The greatest player in NFL history, Rice owns virtually every receiving record in NFL history and we forgive him for appearing on Dancing with the Stars. He credits a fear of failure for his success, and fear of defenders hurting him for his speed on the field. A 3-time Super Bowl champion, he claims he would have won three more if weren’t for the next inductee…

Emmitt Smith:  The leading rusher in NFL history, and one of the greatest players in NFL history, there are a lot of NFL teams who passed on him because they thought he was too slow. It was a bad decision.

Russ Grimm:  The legendary guard for the Washington Redskins, and a member of the feared Hogs, Grimm opened up huge holes for John Riggins and helped the Redskins become one of the greatest teams in NFL history.

John Randle:  The NFL’s career sacks leader among defensive tackles, Randle was a feared opponent who taunted opposing lineman with details he studied about their home towns.

Floyd Little:  A friend of Vice President Joe Biden, Little was overlooked for years because he played for a lousy Denver Broncos team. A speedy but undersized rusher, Little broke many of Jim Brown’s records while at Syracuse University. He was introduced by his son Mark, who is also bald.

Rickey Jackson:  A feared linebacker for the New Orleans Saints, Jackson was a sack machine and feared defensive player with a nose for the ball. Few NFL players have put on as much weight after their career ended. He is a big, bald man.

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Jeff Feagles, NFL’s Oldest Player, To Retire.

New York Giant punter Jeff Feagles is expected to announce his retirement Friday, ending a lengthy NFL career.

In addition to being the oldest player in the NFL, Feagles may also be the most durable. The bald punter never missed a game during a 22-year career.

While playing for the Patriots, Eagles, Cardinals, Seahawks, and Giants, Feagles amassed over 40 miles in punting yardage.

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Hank Baskett Loses Super Bowl

Jerry Glanville famously explained that “N.F.L.” stand for “Not For Long.” That certainly rings true for bald, Indianapolis Colts receiver Hank Baskett after he flubbed an onside kick during Super Bowl 44. The New Orleans Saints recovered the ball and the Colts never recovered.

Prior to this, Baskett was best known as the husband of Plamate Kendra Wilkinson. Now he can add “Super Bowl Goat” to his resume.

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Troy Polamalu Inspires Hair Envy

troy-polamalu hinesward

On ESPN’s First Take, bald Steeler receiver Hines Ward said he would love to have Troy Polamalu‘s hair for one day, but only for one day because it takes Polamalu 45 minutes to shampoo his hair.

Through the magic of Photoshop, Polamalu’s long hair was placed on all of the analysts, including grumpy Skip Bayless. The hair didn’t suit Bayless as much as the toupee he currently wears.

Bayless_Skip

For more reasons why Skip Bayless sucks–read this Deadspin article.

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