All-Bald Fantasy Football Team

If you’re like me, you’re bald and you play fantasy football.

Baldness and fantasy football go together like Chad Ochocinco and Terrel Owens. Now is the time to combine those two worlds and create an All-Bald Fantasy Football Team. With a little research, and in a deep enough league, you can craft a winner using nothing but bald players.


  1. Matt Hasselbeck / Seahawks:  The baldest player in the league, Hasselbeck is a former all-pro QB who’s been on some real bad Seahawks teams of late. He’s only averaging 10 points per game, but look for him to heat up as he starts to master a new offense.
  2. Bruce Gradkowski / Raiders:  He’s taken over for Jason Campbell, but his hold on the position could be tenuous, especially because he’s injury prone.
  3. Drew Brees / Saints:  He’s one of the top scoring QBs, but it may be another season or two before we can claim him as bald. Every time he removes his helmet, he quickly adjusts his combover, but he doesn’t count as bald just yet.
  4. Matt Schaub / Texans: He’ll be a top bald QB in a few short years as well.

Running Backs:

  1. Felix Jones / Cowboys: Jones is gloriously bald, unfortunately he’s sharing the workload with Marion Barber who has so much hair his dreads make it hard for him to wear a helmet. But with Jones’ speed, he always has the potential to break a tackle and churn out a long gain.
  2. Rick Williams / Dolphins: The years he took off to smoke pot kept him from enduring the wear and tear of other backs his age, but it also allowed him the time to lose his hair. He splits carries and has fumbled a lot lately, but he’s still a good addition to any all-bald team.
  3. Chester Taylor / Bears:  He doesn’t get a lot of runs, but he’s always good a for a few fantasy points and is a receiving threat out of the backfield. Depending on the match up, he’s worth putting at the flex position.
  4. Brandon Jacobs / Giants: When he threw his helmet into the stands against the Colts in week 1, his hairloss was on display for all the world to see. He’s losing a lot of carries to Ahmad Bradshaw, but he’s worth starting.
  5. Kevin Faulk / Patriots:  On injured reserve for the rest of the season.
  6. Leon Washington:  Considered done after suffering a horrendous knee injury last year, he’s quickly resurrecting his career with the Seahawks. They’re easing him back in, but look for his stats to increase in the weeks to come.

Wide Receivers

  1. Roy Williams / Cowboys: Left for fantasy dead years ago, Williams has exploded lately, possibly because opposing defenses are focusing on Dallas’ other receives. Ride him while he’s hot and before he starts dropping passes again.
  2. Donald Driver / Packers: This guy is ageless and still puts up points.
  3. Hines Ward / Steelers:  Even with the Steelers’ quarterback issues, Ward is still a guy who catches clutch passes and puts up good stats.
  4. Steve Smith / Panthers:  It’s no fun catching passes from Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen, but this guy is an electric playmaker.
  5. Chad Ochocinco / Benglas:  Defenses can’t key on him now that there are other weapons at wide receiver.
  6. Wes Welker / Patriots:  He’s still recovering from a nasty knee injury, but if gets healthy, and his hairloss progresses, he could become an all-bald fantasy star.
  7. Miles Austin / Cowboys:  Kim Kardashian may have dumped him, but you’d be smart to snatch him up for your fantasy team. Austin put up huge numbers last year. Is he bald though? Some pictures make it seem like it and other don’t.


  1. Sebastian Janikowski / Raiders:  He’s your guy.

Defense/Special Teams

  1. Seattle Seahawks:  As long as Leon Washington keeps running back multiple kickoffs for touchdowns, you might as well go with the Hawks.


Filed under Fantasy Football, NFL

4 responses to “All-Bald Fantasy Football Team

  1. Zach Ebers

    Nice article, Ryan. I stumbled upon it by accident searching for Seahawks news.

  2. Pingback: the most important piece of equipment‏ « the upside of inertia

  3. Pingback: Cryptomundo » Cryptozoology’s Future Men: Bald or Bearded?

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