Monthly Archives: May 2010

Jared Allen Loses the Mullet

Jared Allen Shows Off Mullet for Last Time?

Hair loss comes in many forms, usually through the slow and steady retreat of one’s hairline. For many men, this alters their identity and self-esteem.

For Vikings defensive end, Jared Allen, male-pattern baldness is only beginning, but he recently suffered a more damaging form of hair loss–the cutting of his famed mullet.

Allen credited his mullet for his outstanding play and numerous quarterback sacks. Unfortunately, fame and fortune can’t save his iconic hair from the wishes of his fiance. With his wedding day approaching, Allen was forced to cut the mullet. “The things you do for love,” bemoaned the NFL star.

Cutting it must have been hard for Allen. He’s spoken out proudly of his mullet in the past:

The mullet isn’t just a hairdo. It’s definitely a lifestyle. You’re carrying on a legacy,” he said “If I approach you from the front, it’s like, wow, that dude is pretty serious. Then I walk away and you’re like, damn, he likes to party. With two Rs.”

On the upside, with his baldness only beginning  to show in the front of his hairline, he will still be able to someday regrow the mullet, one of the few styles available to men with male-pattern baldness. Allen promises the mullet will return:

“The mullet was trimmed for the wedding but the Moolay is more than just some hair, its a lifestyle! You gotta keep a positive Mullitude…”

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John Wayne Born May 26, 1907

John Wayne & his toupee

Legendary actor, John Wayne, was born Marion Robert Morrison in Winterset, Iowa on May 26, 1907. Weighing in at 13lbs, Wayne was obviously destined for big things.

The Oscar-winning actor appeared in 175 movies, most famously for his many roles in westerns. After 1948, he almost always wore his legendary toupee. The following excerpt is from the sometimes reliable Wikipedia:

[The Wings of an Eagle] was the only film in which John Wayne intentionally showed his naturally balding head. After Wake of the Red Witch (1948), John Wayne wore a toupée for every film, with the exception of later scenes of The Wings of Eagles (1957), in which he played Frank Wead, (aka Spig Wead) a naval aviation pioneer and screenwriter. In the World War II-era scenes, the older Spig Wead has a noticeably bald head – Wayne’s own. In both The Fighting Kentuckian (1949) and North to Alaska (1960), Wayne’s hairpiece is knocked off during a fight scene, unnoticed until after each film’s release. A similar occurrence happens in The Quiet Man, only this time Wayne’s cap falls off after a punch, and he’s not wearing his rug underneath. Wayne never denied wearing a hairpiece and during the Harvard Hasty Pudding Club roast of him he answered a student’s question about his “phony hair with the reply “It’s not phony. It’s real hair. Of course, it’s not mine, but it’s real.”

Wayne attended University of Southern California on a football scholarship, but turned to acting after a body surfing accident derailed his athletic career. 

Some other interesting facts: Prior to getting lung cancer, John Wayne smoked 5-packs of cigarettes a day. He was married and divorced three times, avoided fighting in WWII, campaigned for Richard Nixon, and was a freemason. The nickname “Duke” was actually the name of his dog, but eventually people began calling him by it.

John Wayne died of cancer on June 11, 1979. He remains one of the most beloved actors of all-time and a legendary bald guy.

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Bret Michaels — You’re Hired

Bret Michaels has added a new title to his resume: Donald Trump’s Apprentice. The reality TV star, Poison frontman, and brain hemorrhage survivor now has a new employer.

In a tough economy, people will simply take any job they can get, even working for a douchebag with orange cotton candy for hair. As Bret Michaels once sang: “Every rose has its thorn.”

So why did Trump choose Michaels over such qualified candidates as Cindy Lauper, Dennis Rodman and Holly Robinson Peete? Does Bret Michaels possess some coveted collection of skills and experience to be a successful employee in Trump’s empire? Is it simply a ratings ploy because of the wave of sympathy Michaels has enjoyed with all his recent health woes? Or, is it simply a conspiracy by one bald man to employ a fellow bald man? I hope it’s the latter.

Trump is famous for his bizarre combover. Michaels hides his baldness under an oversized bandana and probably some sort of hair piece. Chalk up Michael’s win to bald solidarity.

Throughout the series, Trump expressed fascination with Michaels’ bandana, an ingenious coverup that doesn’t draw the same snickering as Trump’s bizarre combover. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Michaels said he gave Trump a bandana of his own.

“You have no idea! I set him up. I bedazzled it myself. He’s set up, He’s got it all ready to rock.”

It’s a tough job market out there. Unemployed bald people can learn from Michaels’ success. Every resume I send it out will be to a bald employer, and along with my resume and cover letter, I will include a bedazzled bandana. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just fake a brain hemorrhage and hope for the sympathy hire.

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Mr. Paul’s Toupee Goes To Washington?

The celebration looks to be short for Tea Party candidate Rand Paul. On Tuesday, he defeated the Republican establishment’s favorite, Trey Grayson, in the republican primary for the Kentucky Senate seat.

His upset victory has attracted greater scrutiny and media attention for Paul, not just for his comments regarding the Civil Rights Act, and his defense of B.P. in the Gulf oil spill, but there is growing awareness that something is terribly wrong with his hair.

While the media has focussed on his comments, the blogosphere has zeroed in on his hair… or is it his hair? There’s something unnatural about it. Short and gray at the temples, the top is shaggy and the coloring looks unnatural. Is it a toupee? Is it an erratic combover? Is it made of goose feathers spit out the back of a jet engine?

And if it is a bald cover-up, what exactly is he hiding under there? Guns? The Constitution? Unpaid taxes? It could be anything.

Clearly, something has to be done about it before he faces the democratic challenger. Perhaps he can borrow a George Washington-style wig from one of the many patriots at the Tea Party rallies he draws his greatest support from.

Give me your support my fellow patriots as we take this country back!

And you sir… in the front there. Please give me that lovely, and historically accurate, colonial-era wig so that I may cover this bald spot, I mean, so that I may pay homage to our founding fathers.

Now let’s take this country back!

Rand Paul’s toupee has a facebook group. Check it out here.

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30th Anniversary of Mt. St. Helens Losing It’s Top

May 18, 2010 marks the 30th anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens. Pundits and historians have spent the day discussing the environmental destruction and terrible loss of life. And sure, those are all relevant. But what about the volcano? What about it’s loss? Let’s get a little anthropormorphic. How come nobody considers the effect this had on the self-image of poor Mt. St. Helens?

One day she’s a scenic and lovely mountain, renowned for her conventional beauty. Topped with snow, covered in sweeping forests and meadows, St. Helens  was famed for her attractive qualities. But suddenly, with a violent burst, she lost her crown. Bald people everywhere sympathize with the mountain.

Just as bald people are the innocent victims of bald genes, our friendly volcano was the victim of plate tectonics and the indiscriminate actions of molten rock and pressure. While we have lost our hair, Mt. St. Helens lost a few thousand feet of elevation. Instead of the slow and steady retreat of a hairline, for the mountain, it was an immediate and unexpected destruction of it’s very appearance.

So on the the anniversary of this tragic day, let’s not only remember the environmental destruction and loss of life. Let us also pay homage to the mountain that bald people everywhere can relate to.

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Jason Alexander Gets Skinny… Then Nude

After losing 30lbs with Jenny Craig, actor Jason Alexander was so pleased with his new physique he performed a song and dance number, stripped down to a spandex singlet and then went full monty. This was all during a commercial for Jenny Craig. Sorry ladies, the camera didn’t show the nude finale.

The former Seinfeld actor is just the latest fat, bald guy to pad his sizable bank account with weight loss spokesman money–see ESPN anchor Chris Berman’s Nutrisystem commercial.

Work has been fairly scarce for Alexander since the end of Seinfeld. Aside from a few guest spots and frequent appearances at celebrity poker games, Alexander hasn’t been working much… until now.

Getting skinny with Jenny Craig requires time, plus the weight loss must be documented–see Alexander’s Jenny Craig blog. It also means being the token male in the Jenny Craig spokesperson crew: Kirstie Alley, Valerie Bertinelli, Phylicia Rashad…

Hopefully, a man as funny, talented… and bald as Jason Alexander will finally get some work he deserves. His role as George Costanza was possibly the greatest bald, comedic character in the history of television.

Hollywood producers take note: There is a talented, bald man out there who needs work. He can’t keep doing things beneath him. Jason Alexander wasn’t put on this earth to play poker or lose weight. He was intended to make us laugh. He was intended to be bald, to be fat, to be perform comedic roles for our amusement.

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Heavy Metal Loses Ronnie James Dio

Legendary heavy-metal rocker, Ronnie James Dio, died of stomach cancer on May 16, 2010. He was 67.

Dio enjoyed much public acclaim, but also experienced significant hair loss over the course of his life, something that only accentuated his lack of height (5’4″). But while he lacked height and hair, Rio made up for it with one of the most powerful voices in heavy-metal.

Best known for fronting Black Sabbath after Ozzy Osbourne was kicked out the band, Dio also fronted the bands Elf, Rainbow, and Heaven and Hell.

One of his greatest accomplishments is popularizing the “devil’s horn” hand gesture–pinky and pointer finger extended and the other fingers clenched in a fist. It’s a gesture he learned from his grandmother, and something copied by heavy-metal bands and fans everywhere.

While Ronnie is gone, his music will live forever, inspiring future generations of heavy-metal bands. While I don’t know what his final words were, I imagine them to be something like what he said during a cameo appearance in “Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny.”

“You will face your inner demons. Now go, my son, and rock.”

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Filed under Bad Ass Bald Dudes, Musician, Uncategorized