Monthly Archives: April 2009

Rex Chapman Loses Hair, Wins Game

On April 25, 1997, Phoenix Suns shooter Rex Chapman lit up the Seattle Supersonics for a playoff record nine three-pointers en route to a 106-101 victory.

Bald Icon Rex Chapman

Not only was Chapman’s performance an incredible display of perimeter shooting, it was an inspiration to all aspiring ballers with hair loss issues. In the 1990s there were countless bald hoop stars to aspire to be (Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone..), but none of them are so closely associated with baldness.

Rex Chapman of the University of Kentucky

For Chapman, the transition from the mulleted Kentucky college hoops star to bald icon was more sudden, striking and rapid than even the hair loss of Jon Barry. And it seemed the less hair Chapman grew, the more clutch his shooting became. His shooting percentage increased with the demise of every hair follicle. Under the intense lights of the playoffs, Chapman’s bald head seemed to absorb radiation to fuel his three-point barrages.

Chapman was a fan favorite in Phoenix, but he was far more loved by his legions of bald fans. Many a prematurely balding guy would pass over other players to select Chapman when playing NBA Jams. In one-on-one street games, when other guys would claim to be the second coming of Michael Jordan, there were others with receding hairlines and emerging bald spots who would drop a three in the face of an opponent and yell “Rex Chapman!”

Chapman’s name and memory have faded from the public consciousness in the years since he retired. But if you ever find yourself in a sports bar sitting beside a table full of bald guys during the NBA playoffs, you’ll no doubt hear them speak in reverent tones about a legendary shooter by the name of Rex Chapman.

*The bald Celtic Ray Allen tied Chapman’s record of 9 threes in a playoff game on April 30, 2009 in a loss to the Chicago Bulls.

Ray Allen, bald

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Love Is Bald

April 23rd marks the birth of William Shakespeare (1564) and William Wordsworth (1850). Both were Williams. Both were English. Both were among the greatest wordsmiths the English language has ever known.

And both were extremely bald.

William Shakespeare Was Bald William Shakespeare penned the greatest love story ever told: Romeo and Juliet. His prose has stirred countless hearts throughout the ages.

As is the bud bit with an envious worm
Ere he can spread his sweet leaves to the air,
Or dedicate his beauty to the sun.

Ladies Love William Wordsworth, despite his baldness William Wordsworth, the famed English romantic poet, is best known for his poem, The Prelude.

Her eyes as stars of twilight fair;
Like twilight’s, too, her dusky hair;
But all things else about her drawn
From May-time and the cheerful dawn;
A dancing shape, an image gay,
To haunt, to startle, and waylay.

The poems and sonnets of both men hath become immortal. But no words thus spoken hath captured one moment in time so pertinently, or with such resounding truth, as that of the toupee-donning sportscaster Howard Cosell, who passed from this earthly realm on April 23, in the Year of our Lord 1995:

Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier

Howard Cosell & His Toupee

As the above photo reflects, Muhammad Ali enjoyed mocking the bald Cosell for his truly putrid toupee. Ali once offered $300 to “The man who brings me Cosell’s toupee–dead or alive.”

Please note that the link to William Wordworth is actually a YouTube video of his poetry being performed by a rapping squirrel named MC Nuts.

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Michael Jordan Is God, Larry Bird Says So

Michael Jordan is God

On April 20, 1986 Michael Jordan put on a scoring clinic during a playoff game against the rival Boston Celtics. After lighting them up for 63 points, Celtic’s star Larry Bird shook his head and said:

I didn’t think anyone was capable of doing what Michael has done to us. He is the most exciting, awesome player in the game today. I think it’s just God disguised as Michael Jordan.

Now was Larry Bird just an aging star tossing out flowery compliments? Or, is it possible that Michael Jordan really is God? And if he is God, does that mean God is bald?

Let’s use this logic formula and transitive relation: If A=B and B=C, Then A=C.

If Larry Bird says that Michael Jordan is God (A=B). And if Michael Jordan is bald (B=C). Then God is bald (A=C).

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Slavoljub Eduard Penkala Was BALD!

Slavoljub Eduard Penkala

The Croatian inventor Slavoljub Eduard Penkala was born on April 20, 1871. It was a proud day for his parents, for the Croatian people, and for bald people throughout the world.

The one and only Slavoljub is the inventor of the mechanical pencil, and holder of over 70 other patents. The mechanical pencil!
021300717

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The Baldness of April 19th

Homer Simpson and Beer Bald icon Homer Simpson makes his first television appearance.

Suge Knight Marion “Suge” Knight, former head of Death Row Records and the guy who once dangled Vanilla Ice off a balcony, was born April 19, 1965.

Andre Agassi and Brooke Shields Wedding Bald tennis-star Andre Agassi married actress Brooke Shields on April 19, 1997. And then they got divorced.

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J.G. Ballard Dies April 19th, 2009

JG Ballard, author Author JG Ballard died today at the age of 76 after a long illness. His most famous work was Empire of the Sun, a fictionalized account of his childhood in a Japanese prison camp in China. He was bald.

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LSD Linked to Baldness

LSD Collage

On April 16th 1943, Swiss scientist Dr. Albert Hoffman accidentally ingested a chemical substance in his lab. That substance is known now as LSD.

LSD Inventor Albert Hoffman Dr. Hoffman, experiencing mild hallucinations, rode his bicycle home that day from the laboratory. Despite lacking the hair to blow in the wind, Hoffman still had the most interesting bicycle ride  anyone had ever had up to that point.

But the carefree drug-induced days of LSD would eventually come to an end. Twenty-three years to the day later G. Gordon Liddy (bald plumber of Watergate fame), working for the FBI, busted LSD guru Timothy Leary (combover/possible toupee) for drug possession.

Timothy Leary and G Gordon Liddy

They later made up.

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