March 28th marks the beginning of Unibrow Action Week. Held annually to draw attention to unibrows and help stamp them out, the week long festivities include plucking, shaving and shaming the unibrow and those who possess them.
For bald men and women it is a time to come together and ridicule those with an abundance of hair, a vacation from the rest of the year in which their hair loss is scorned.
So rally the village mob, grab torches and tweezers, catch a flight to Baltimore and track down Raven’s quarterback Joe Flacco (the unibrow du jour) and any other famous people with unibrows.
On March 28, 1969 former President Dwight D. Eisenhower died in Washington DC at the age 78.
Henry Rowe Schoolcraft, the American explorer who discovered the source of the Mississippi River, was born March 28. 1793.
Michael Jordan scored 69 points against the Cleveland Cavaliers on March 28, 1990.
Rocker David Crosby pulled off his own triple crown when he was arrested for possession of Quaaludes, driving under the influence of cocaine, and gun possession.
On March 23, 2002 at the annual Golden Raspberry Awards, an award show held to honor Hollywood’s worst movies, Charlton Heston (toupee) beat out Burt Reynolds (toupee) and Rip Torn (toupee) for Worst Supporting Actor for his roles in Town & Country and Cats & Dogs. Yet another statue to put on the shelf for the late Academy Award-winning actor.
On a more positive note in cinematic history, famed Japanese movie director Akira Kurosawa was born in Tokyo on March 23, 1910. His movies were immensely influential and often remade by American directors, usually for the worse.
The immensely bald Benito Mussolini founded his Fascist political movement in Milan, Italy on March 23, 1919. The Italians’ experiment with fascism yielded poor results for the boot-shaped country. They thanked Mussolini with a public hanging, an event featured on American newsreels and now found here on YouTube. Kind of gory.
Not man on monkey gory, but pretty sick.
In a stunning victory for bald men, actor Bruce Willis married Victoria Secret lingerie model Emma Heming. The London-based model is even younger than Willis’ ex-wife’s husband Ashton Kutcher. It just goes to show that money and fame trump baldness every time.
The University of Washington Huskies are 6 1/2 point favorites over Mississippi State in the NCAA Tourney. No doubt they will beat the spread thanks to the energetic play of Venoy Overton and Quincy Pondexter–both of whom will be bald before they’re thirty. Sorry guys.
But what are the odds on whether Mississippi State’s coach, Rick Stansbury, is NOT sporting a hair piece?
During today’s episode of the Today Show, Ms. Virginia (Tara Wheeler) promised to shave her head if it would raise $500,000 for childhood cancer research.
If you’d like to see a beauty pageant winner turned bald you can donate
Also: California town to spend $2 million to spray-paint unsightly lawn bald spots.
St. Patrick, patron saint of Ireland, is said to have died on this day in Saul. Much like the history of Ireland, his baldness calls into question the “Luck of the Irish.”
In an alcohol inspired moment at a St. Patrick’s Day office party in 1999, three business executives (John Bender, Tim Kenny, Enda McDowell) came up with St. Baldrick’s Day, an event in which people shave their heads bald to raise money for children’s cancer research. The annual event has turned global and raised millions of dollars.
Billy Corgan, former Smashing Pumpkins front man and pompous douche, was born. March 17, 1967.
On March 17, 1897, boxer Bob “Ruby Robert” Fitzsimmons, bald and 38-years-old, knocked out heavyweight champion James J. Corbett with a body shot to win the title. To add insult to injury, after the bald challenger knocked the champ to the mat, he asked Corbett: “How do you like the view from there, you son of a bitch?”
He also knocked out two of his gold teeth.
Roman dictator Julius Caesar (combover) was assassinated by a group of nobles, including Brutus and Cassius, on March 15, 44 B.C. Caesar, which means “Full head of hair,” was a sarcastic title given to him by his troops as a joke.
Fabio, nemesis of bald men everywhere, was born March 15, 1959. His flowing locks bring to mind the French proverb: “Long on hair, short on brains.”
College basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian, famed for chewing on water-soaked towels during tense moments in games, retired from coaching on March 15, 2002.
Child care expert Dr. Benjamin Spock died at the age of 94, on March 15, 1998.
Mike Love, The Beach Boys singer, born March 15, 1941. In every photo of him on the Internet he’s wearing some sort of hat to cover his baldness, but this turban (with sequined jacket) is the most impressive.